Patu to the face as a service – Testimonials

PTTF

I was just talking about 3000 year old Welsh skulls and Māori not being tangata whenua and bam, patu right in my face. Had to stop, and go down to the A&E

  • Noel – a Historian (no really, you can just say you’re a historian and the Herald will print any drivel you make up)

As I was being consistently wrong about everything, as I am wont to do, I heard a mighty yell of ‘D haaa’ and smack, patu on the point of the jaw. Shut me right up I must say.

  • Alan – Author (sort of, he had one ok book but the rest are all pretty crap)

We were performing our ‘Haka’ to advertise insurance, when someone came running up, and screamed ‘Ana tō kai, kai toa’ and hit the head of marketing in the face with some sort of club thing.

  • Spokesperson for ARAG insurance

I don’t know what happened, one minute I was saying “muesli bars have too much sugar in them for growing bodies” and the next minute, tewhatewha upside the head. Well I never!

  • Judgey McJudgerson – Kindy parent/teacher

Look as the enlightened feminist I am I was just commenting on how ‘ethnic’ women are more attractive if they don’t look ‘ethnic’. Then crack, taiaha to the temple. I said don’t hit me I love women and what about fat yoga… and then pow, wahaika in the waha.

  • Someone whose core is super soft

He’s just three …

  • The “journalist” couldn’t finish this statement as he was promptly hit 16 times with a mere

Some one started an email to me with Kia ora, so I was typing out a reply saying “I’m not Māori please address me in English”. As I was about to hit send a felt an immense pain at the back of my head and someone yelled “English that, cracker”

  • Perhaps the most fragile person in the world

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