Patu to the face as a service – Testimonials


I was just talking about 3000 year old Welsh skulls and Māori not being tangata whenua and bam, patu right in my face. Had to stop, and go down to the A&E

  • Noel – a Historian (no really, you can just say you’re a historian and the Herald will print any drivel you make up)

As I was being consistently wrong about everything, as I am wont to do, I heard a mighty yell of ‘D haaa’ and smack, patu on the point of the jaw. Shut me right up I must say.

  • Alan – Author (sort of, he had one ok book but the rest are all pretty crap)

We were performing our ‘Haka’ to advertise insurance, when someone came running up, and screamed ‘Ana tō kai, kai toa’ and hit the head of marketing in the face with some sort of club thing.

  • Spokesperson for ARAG insurance

I don’t know what happened, one minute I was saying “muesli bars have too much sugar in them for growing bodies” and the next minute, tewhatewha upside the head. Well I never!

  • Judgey McJudgerson – Kindy parent/teacher

Look as the enlightened feminist I am I was just commenting on how ‘ethnic’ women are more attractive if they don’t look ‘ethnic’. Then crack, taiaha to the temple. I said don’t hit me I love women and what about fat yoga… and then pow, wahaika in the waha.

  • Someone whose core is super soft

He’s just three …

  • The “journalist” couldn’t finish this statement as he was promptly hit 16 times with a mere

Some one started an email to me with Kia ora, so I was typing out a reply saying “I’m not Māori please address me in English”. As I was about to hit send a felt an immense pain at the back of my head and someone yelled “English that, cracker”

  • Perhaps the most fragile person in the world

Here I fixed it for you.

Over at the NZ Herald they have a story about Maurice Williamson. And in typical NZ media fashion, they other all ethnicities except pakeha, IE the only ethnicity that is mentioned is Chinese, and more than once, so I fixed it for them



Pakeha National MP Maurice Williamson has revealed he used Chinese businessman Donghua Liu’s holiday home in the Coromandel and did renovations on the property, despite earlier claiming Liu was not a friend.

The new details about his relationship with the wealthy Chinese investor and National Party donor came as Mr Williamson denied arranging preferential treatment for Liu.


Announcing his resignation as a minister yesterday, the Pakeha MP distanced himself from the businessman. He told reporters outside his Pakuranga electorate office that they were not friends, noting that Liu did not speak English, and they did not socialise.

He later told TV3’s Campbell Live that Liu owned a bach next to his family’s holiday house at Pauanui, and the Pakeha MP used Liu’s property and did minor repair work on it while the businessman was in China.

“I’m a fan of being a handyman and the house was good to be able to use while we were doing it,” he said.

Mr Williamson recommended the neighbouring holiday home to Liu when it went on the market.

He also said he had had dinner with Liu as part of a group five or six times.

It has previously been reported that Mr Williamson lobbied for Liu to gain citizenship – against the advice of Government officials.

A Herald investigation today reveals Liu’s citizenship ceremony was held in Mr Williamson’s electorate office, the day after he was granted the status of a New Zealander.

But the Pakeha MP rejected accusations that he had allowed Liu’s wealth, donations or friendship to influence his judgment.

Mr Williamson said he believed he was doing his job as a Pakeha MP when he contacted a pakeha police superintendent to inquire about two domestic violence charges laid against Liu in December.

He had been “shocked” at the charges because Liu had required a clean record to get a New Zealand visa.

Asked why he told the superintendent about Liu’s large investments in New Zealand, he said it was to provide “background” for police. But he admitted that he had made an error in judgment.

“There is clearly a perception that a Member of Parliament should not call the police at all about a case and I will make sure I will never do that again.”

He was “shattered” and “gutted” about his demotion to the backbenches and his family were “in a bit of tatters”.

Pakeha Prime Minister John Key was in no doubt that Mr Williamson had “crossed the line” by contacting the police about the Liu case.

“There’s no grey in this. In the end there’s a line. The line says that ministers do not involve themselves in police prosecutions, because constabulary independence runs at the heart of the New Zealand judicial system. Ministers cannot, in my opinion, make phone calls when there’s an ongoing prosecution, whatever the motivations.

“The minute he made the phone call, in my view, he crossed the line.”

Mr Williamson vowed to hang on to the Pakuranga seat he has held for 27 years.

He has already been chosen as National’s candidate in the electorate, which he retained in 2011 with one of the largest majorities in the country – 13,800 votes.

He could have new competition. Pakeha Conservative leader Colin Craig and Pakeha Act Party leader Jamie Whyte have both expressed interest in standing there.

Dr Whyte, who grew up in Pakuranga, said last night he had new confidence after yesterday’s events.


What a dick!

So it’s my first arsehat in a while. But a deserved one, how would you like to wake up in the morning, look at the paper and see this headline on the front page. “Pacific migrants ‘drain on economy'”.

Lovely, reading the article its full of gems like
“Of particular concern is the large Polynesian subculture whose educational achievements mean they will contribute very poorly in this regard,” Dr Clydesdale says.

“And because of high fertility and current immigration levels, New Zealand will have a significant population that can contribute little to economic growth.”

Lovely, lets just generalise a huge disparate group of people based solely on the geographic area they are from. I hope he puts out a paper on the land stealing tendencies of European immigrants next.

I am so glad Hone Harawira is in Parliament

With the major parties happy to let the Australian Governments blatant human rights abuses pass with no comment. One of the few voices calling it like it is is Harawira.

“Hawawira [sic] said John Howard is “a racist bastard” trying to impose racist policies on a people who can’t fight back.”

You can see the full article on the tvnz site. Who may have fixed their spelling mistake by the time you look, but since its a Maori name they probably won’t have.

Don’t beep at me you moron

Why is it that people who follow to closely behind, feel the need to beep at you when you put your indicator on and turn into your drive way?

Dude if you rear end a car, its ALWAYS your fault. Stop driving like a jackass and you wont have to brake when someone turns a corner.

PS this entry is mainly for Jackie who asked for more arsehat entries

No I wont pay your “I’m too stupid to budget surcharge”

For crying out loud, Easter happens every year, if you are too useless to budget for it don’t try to make me pay for your stupidity.
Petrol isnt 15% more expensive, neither is milk .. so why the hell do cafe’s think they can jack the price up. Seriously I hate McDonalds but at least they can freaking budget and not have to slam a 15% surchage on every public holiday.

The car got found

Luckily after the claim had already been settled, because the dickheads who took it couldnt drive obviously and put a few dents in it.

They ripped the ignition out to get it started.

And stole the stereo

And the spare trye

We got the rest of the stuff out tonight, not the pram (stroller) or the baby mirror, cd’s and a few other things missing. But we got back some baby blankets, some clothes and some other bits and pieces. And now it’s States problem.

What kind of Arsehats steal a baby bib and baby mirror. The kind that need a bat to the face, that’s what kind. Blind arsehats too, they took Laurel’s glasses … durrr they won’t work for you.